Reflections: A Year of Business, Transformation, and Growth

With the calendar year (and this decade) coming to an end, it’s a natural time to take stock and reflect on the previous year, which is exactly what I’ve been doing for the past month or so. It’s easy to look at your current situation, and if not much has changed, to think you’re right where you started. Or if you’ve happened to come full circle and end up in a similar situation as you were a year ago, to feel like you’re in the same place you were back then.

Admittedly, that’s a little how I’ve been feeling lately. Even though I know that’s not true. So much has happened over the course of the past year. Hell, so much has happened over the past month. But to look back and see the shift of my life, and how many times I was given a push by the Universe to end up where I am is quite incredible to think about.

I’ve been feeling like I’m right back where I was a year ago because my life hasn’t exactly been ideal this past month or so. Most recently, I had a week where I lost half of my clients due to varying circumstances, my house was broken into and both of my laptops were stolen (including my brand new Surface Book), and I finished the week out strong puking my guts out from the worst stomach bug I’ve ever had.

Going a little further back, I would say the shit storm really began toward the end of October when I had gotten to a point where I had let my life and mental health get so out of control, I was flung into an almost week long series of anxiety attacks. As I’ve talked about in a previous post (My Anxiety) I’ve dealt with anxiety my whole life, but it has never been this bad. It took me weeks to recover physically, mentally, and emotionally from it. And just when I thought things would start looking up, the week from Hell began.

If you’re like me and believe in life patterns and cycles, you might see the pattern during this time of year because one year ago is when I lost my job. One year ago, even though I was miserable at that job, it slipped out from underneath me beyond my control. In my life plan, I was in control of the terms in which I left the company to find a new job. So as soon as I was given the boot, I was no longer in control. And I was scared. And relieved. I cried a combination of happy and sad tears I believe. But, the Universe had its plan. Which is why one year later, having lost half of my clients and a majority of my income, I feel like I’m right back where I was a year ago. But, while the circumstances feel similar, I’ve come a long way in a year.

This year has been one for the books. It seems to be a common theme that this was a year of transformation. In my circle, most of the people I know had to deal with loss – whether the loss of a job, a relationship, or a loved one, even a loss of their “self.” But as we know, growth is not always comfortable. They’re not called growing pains because they tickle.

One year ago, I lost my job. This was not long after I had been bought out of my previous apartment in a Tenant Lease Buyout and faced with the decision to move in with my boyfriend somewhat unexpectedly. This time last year, I had been living with my partner for only a few months. It was a time of adjustment and transition. The Universe had plans for me that I was yet unaware of. One year ago, I had just started this blog and had no idea where it would lead me. I hadn’t decided yet to move forward with working for myself and starting a business. I didn’t yet know that my mom had cancer, or that my little sister was going to have a baby. I was unprepared for what was about to be one of the most difficult years I’ve experienced.

Last year, after being uprooted twice over the course of a few months, I took some time to myself. I really took advantage of the fun-employed life. Stephen and I already had a trip to Paris planned, so I went. I spent time figuring out what I wanted to do since there wasn’t any pressure yet. I looked for jobs half-heartedly because I had that feeling I should be pursuing my own thing, but was nervous to take the leap and didn’t know what that looked like for me. I enjoyed the holidays without having to worry about work and then 2018 was over.

I started 2019 without a real job. I say real job because I was taking little freelance projects and side gigs here and there. I wasn’t making a living wage but anything was better than nothing to keep me afloat. I was putting time into my jewelry business which felt good. I was putting time into my blog which was also nice. I started a monthly creative group gathering. I was doing things I wanted to do. Sure, I wasn’t making a lot of money, but I was happy again.

Not long into the year, the reality of needing to make more money set in. I’m grateful I was living with someone who could help carry the financial weight. I put school loans into deferment. I cut back on my expenses. I sent out job applications regularly. I was working a handful of jobs including random side gigs, events, small freelance projects, I became a regular Tasker on Task Rabbit – building IKEA furniture, making deliveries, personal shopping, sewing, etc. It was fun, but it was a lot. My energy was everywhere.

However tough it was, it felt good to not have to answer to someone, to work for myself. It felt good, but it was terrifying. Living paycheck to paycheck, hustling to barely make ends meet. I knew something bigger and better was coming but I didn’t know what and I didn’t know when and that type of uncertainty can be nerve-racking.

Then, one of the most devastating curve-balls ever to come into my life hit. I got a call from my mom. She had gone to the doctor for a checkup on some side/back pain. Apparently, she had kidney stones, but when they tested the stones, they found something. That something was cancer.

My mom’s diagnosis was a very aggressive, but not uncommon, form of colon cancer. She never disclosed what stage it was, probably to avoid scaring us, but after doing some research I believe it was Stage 3. The cancer tumor in her colon was pretty sizable and the cancer had already spread to her lymph nodes. I was terrified. Broken. As hard as it is to have a loved one get a cancer diagnosis, add 3,000 miles of land between you and your loved one.

I got off the phone with her that day and cried. But I tried to stay strong. She was hopeful that everything would turn out okay, and I valued her courage and strength and optimism through it all. However, I was slowly breaking inside. It was a very private family matter, so I didn’t talk about it a lot. Instead, I tried to hold it inside and pretend everything was okay. I tried to go through my normal day-to-day, after all I still didn’t have a stable job and was in survival mode. But now my life felt like it was spiraling out of control.

A few days after I found out, a friend of mine had a birthday party. I tried to go and have a good time thinking it would help keep my mind off things. It didn’t. I spent most of the party hiding in the corner so people wouldn’t see my eyes constantly welling up with tears. I tried to be social, but I was struggling on that front as well. Every day I cried at least once. And it was often triggered by the most random things, or sometimes nothing at all.

One morning, I was driving to a flower crown tutorial for an event I had coming up and on my way there the song, “Give Me Novacaine” by Green Day came on and I started crying. I cried the whole rest of the way to the tutorial gathering. I was even a little late because I sat in my car waiting for the redness on my face to fade. When I got there, we had to do a short handwriting exercise for a new service we were trying out. I told the woman reading handwriting I was going to write about something sad, but it was because it was all I could think about. I wrote down the words “My mom has cancer” and crumpled up the paper. Seeing the words, writing them, saying them out loud was too difficult. So, I got a new piece of paper and chose to write about my cat instead.

This trend continued. Wanting to reach out to others but not knowing how. I slowly began telling the people I trusted most. Opening up felt better than keeping it all in, as difficult as the words were to say. But opening up kept my hope alive and my life going one day at a time.

Shortly into the year, I joined B-School. It was something I had promised myself the year prior and after a lot of thought, decided it was the right move. So, I took what little money I had and invested it in myself. It was then that I decided I wasn’t going to find a job – I was going to create one. I was going to dive back into the entrepreneurial world, push past that fear and uncertainty and go for it. After all, what did I have to lose?

This triggered a slow snowball effect. More freelance work started coming in. A friend of mine who runs her own marketing business had read my blog and put her faith in my abilities to help her with some marketing work. She believed in my voice and my design capabilities and brought me on as a regular freelancer. I thought to myself, “It’s All Happening”.

Not long after I joined B-School and started freelancing, my jewelry business started picking up and opportunities to collaborate with others began presenting themselves. Every time a new opportunity presented itself, I would say “It’s All Happening.” But it was difficult to truly enjoy these moments. I was torn up inside about my mom the whole time. I wanted…no NEEDED…to see her and felt like I couldn’t.

My mom was optimistic though. Going through radiation and chemo treatment. She spoke about the future and my brother’s upcoming wedding. There was no doubt in her mind she was going to get through this. This hurdle in her life was just that, a hurdle. And she was going to make it over. But still, if anything had happened to her and I didn’t make the time to see her I don’t think I would’ve ever been able to forgive myself.

Plus, I had just experienced an intense psychological breakdown. Even in opening up a little at a time to others, there was still so much inside. Then came the turning point. One Wednesday evening in the early spring, it all finally became too much. I remember feeling more depressed than I had in a really long time. I decided what I needed to do that night was go to yoga.

As I was getting ready, I began sobbing uncontrollably. My mind was spinning. The lines of reality began to blur. My life didn’t seem real. I didn’t feel real. I looked at my cat, and she didn’t seem real. I reached out to my boyfriend at work to tell him how I was feeling. I was panicking and he hadn’t realized it was that bad but couldn’t help. I was almost considering admitting myself to a hospital. And then it stopped. Everything slowly fell back into place, I finished getting ready for yoga and off I went. Yoga was just what I needed.

Shortly after that, I booked a last minute trip to Albany to visit her. It was long overdue, but the perfect timing. She had just finished her first round of treatment. My little sister just had a baby. So much was happening back home, and I felt like I could finally be there for it all.

After a week back home, hanging out with my family and taking a much needed break from work, I felt better. I saw that my mom was okay. I saw that my family was well. I took a real vacation of doing almost nothing for a whole week straight. I hit the reset button, returned home, and got back to work on re-building my life.

Patience is a virtue, but it is not my best friend. Although I’d like to be best friends with patience, I am a product of my environment – when I want something, I want it now. The uphill struggle of working consistently as a freelancer was hard. But then work began slowly picking up and I began talking about it. Even though I wasn’t freelancing full time, I began talking like I was. When people asked me what I did, I no longer had a long confusing answer. I was able to clearly tell people that I ran my own business in design and media. I could do graphic design, copy-writing, marketing, social media, photography. All of it. Plus, running a small jewelry business. I would tell people I am a multi-passionate creative entrepreneur. And it started catching on. “It’s All Happening.”

Before I knew it, I was booking more work. Building my client-base. Working on becoming more than a freelancer, I was building a business. Branding myself. Deciding my work, my life, and my future. But things were still a little too inconsistent and money was still tight. So after a very slow month in May, I decided to get another part-time job at a restaurant. Something easy, but consistent. And then as soon as I made that decision, I booked my first retainer client in June. “It’s All Happening.” It’s funny how things work out like that. Just when you’re about to give up, things start to work out. I then booked my second retainer client in September. “It’s All Happening.”

In 9 months, I went from not having a job to running a full-time, money making business. My business was growing faster than I could keep up. My mom’s cancer was cured. My sister had an adorable, healthy baby who growls. My younger brother was about to have a beautiful wedding I could actually afford to attend in October. At that point, I had just celebrated a wonderful year of living under the same roof with my significant other. Things were looking up. I remember thinking “9 months ago, I couldn’t have predicted my life would look this way.”

And then my life took an unexpected turn. The weekend of my brother’s wedding is when the anxiety attacks began. Or, I shouldn’t say that’s when they began but that’s when it became too much. It was time for me to get real with myself. What I’m about to say is something I feel is particularly important for budding entrepreneurs. We often see and hear the success stories. We take classes and watch coaches who built their business from scratch and are boasting about their 6 or 7 figures, their first million, their thousands of subscribers. Yet, we rarely hear the success stories from those who are still working to make a living.

After I returned from the wedding in NY, I started cutting back. That weekend was a reality check that I was not honoring my truth. Yes, I had taken on several high-paying retainer clients, but they were not the right clients for me. In an attempt to please people, I was taking on more work than I should’ve and it was work that wasn’t really in alignment with what I wanted to be doing and the clientele I wanted to be serving.

It was time for me to look after myself. So I offloaded some work. I began meditating, journaling and exercising daily. I completed a Tough Mudder Classic, even though it was REALLY hard. I briefly stopped drinking caffeine and alcohol. I started going to therapy. I set up a table at my first vendor event. And I had the really tough conversation of letting a client go. Your first time “firing” a client feels scary, but I feel it’s a rite of passage.

So this year, my business has had its ebbs and flows, and right now things are a little slow. I recently let go of one client and then was almost immediately dropped by another. I believe that I had to let go of what wasn’t serving me to make room for something better to come along, even if some of that was out of my control. This has been a year of transformation in life and business. Practicing self-care isn’t easy. Starting a business isn’t easy. Running a business isn’t easy. This year of growth has not been easy, but nothing worth it ever is.