The Relationship I Thought I'd Never End Up In
Lately, I’ve been feeling this story tugging at my vocal chords, dying to get out into the world. Perhaps there is someone out there who needs to hear this. Perhaps there is something within me that needs to tell it so I can further release and heal this part of me. But every time the thought comes to mind, the one that tells me I need to write this post and share it with you all, it feels like more than just a thought. It feels like a tug, a pull, a push, a desire so strong I can feel it building in my chest. As if the story has manifested into a ball of air that’s trapped and needs to be released. And if I just opened my mouth, the words would pour out of me like projectile vomit.
As I think back to this time in my life, I begin to feel anxiety and fear. I revisit the emotions I felt back then. Anger, confusion, sadness, depression, emptiness. The feelings one would reasonably feel when they find themselves trapped in an abusive relationship with a manipulative and mentally abusive person.
As someone who would, from an outsider’s perspective, see people in abusive or manipulative relationships with others, I would tell myself “I’ll never let myself be in a relationship like that.” But that’s the thing about manipulation. Sometimes you can’t even see it for yourself. You are stripped away of your intuition, your self-confidence, and your reasoning. One minute, you’re in an exciting new relationship, falling in love. Then, before you know it, you’re curled up in fetal position crying while someone makes you feel like you could never leave them because no one else could possibly ever love you. They tell you they are doing and saying these things because they love you and are trying to help. They are someone who somehow has the capability to make everything out to be your fault and make you believe you’re wrong even when you’re right.
When I was younger, I met a guy. He was cute, funny and charming. He was an artist and a musician. All of these were things I liked in a person. He made me smile and laugh. We went on fun adventures and enjoyed each other’s company. I liked him a lot. So much, that I ignored the subtleties and mini red-flags that didn’t seem like much of anything at first glance.
The manipulation began with small things. He would get jealous over my guy friends and claim that one of them was trying to flirt with me and steal me away from him. Things like this upset me at first, but I justified those thoughts for him; saying that he didn’t trust this guy, when in reality it was me he didn’t trust. He would get mad at me for having guy friends and say things like “When we started dating, I stopped hanging out with my girl friends for you. I didn’t want you to have any reason to be jealous. I made this sacrifice for you. If you care about me, you should do the same for me.” And in my young, naïve mind, I believed him and I complied. This was just the beginning of the controlling and manipulative relationship I would find myself falling in and out of over the next few years.
When things would get bad, he would remind me of the good times. When I would begin to question things, he would find ways to change my mind. When I would get upset he would make me feel like I was crazy for even thinking about whatever thing it was at the time that upset me in the first place. When we would argue, the argument would quickly move from the thing we were arguing about to insults and badgering. But it wasn’t just emotional and mental abuse, it was everything.
It was as if I could do nothing right. If he felt I wasn’t spending enough time with him, I would make time for him only to be told I was smothering him. So I would back off, only to be told that I was making him feel insignificant by being distant. When I would try to protect him from things like driving drunk, he would first yell at me for telling him what to do, so then I would get pissed and say something snarky like “fine, do what you want.” Only for him to turn around and bite back with “I can’t believe you were willing to let me drive drunk.”
It was the jealousy and isolating me from my friends and family because he didn’t like them or trust “them”. It was the blame and making his actions out to somehow be my fault. Like the time he decided he was sober enough to drive, and I didn’t say anything because of the previous situation. When I asked to stop for food on the way home he got pulled over. Even though he got out of it ticket free, he made a big deal out of it and made it out to be my fault for asking him to stop. I went to bed crying that night. It was my birthday.
It was his persistence to outshine me at everything and draw all the attention to himself. He didn’t only do this with me, he did it with everyone. If I did something, he had to do it better. If people were talking about me, he had to turn the conversation on himself. One day, a few years after we had started dating, and when I was getting close to being completely done and over our relationship, I was hanging out with a group of our friends. One of the guys was playing guitar. He started playing “Dust in the Wind” and I started to sing along. He stopped and said something along the lines of “Where did you get those pipes? I didn’t know you could sing.” I had known these people for years now, and none of them knew this about me because every time I sang around the guy I was dating, he would have to sing louder. It eventually got to the point where I stopped singing altogether for a really long time.
It was his over dramatization of my expressions to make me feel like I was crazy. Everything from telling me “Suck it up” when I fell and hurt myself so badly I briefly fainted, to breaking up with me, and using our breakup to justify his actions in inviting me out to see the girls he would flirt with. It was the yelling at me when he would hear a guy (one of his best friends) in the background of a phone call because he was out with another girl instead of his coworkers like he told me. But then accuse me of being jealous when my intuition would lend insight that he was being unfaithful.
It was his ability to make me feel guilty for going to school and working hard to pursue my dreams and support myself. In his mind, I worked too hard, too much, and didn’t dedicate enough of my time to our relationship.
It was the constant gaslighting that made me somehow justify that these things were normal. Because often times, gaslighting can be so subtle that you don’t even realize it’s happening. And then even when it’s obvious, you’ve normalized it to the point of acceptance.
I’ll never forget the last time we broke up. The moment I had finally woken up from the trance I was in and decided I had had enough. People would tell me I was glowing. I had gotten my light back. I was singing again. I felt happier and more at peace than I had in years. I found people who made me feel like I was worth something. And I found that within myself.
Even typing this now, I look back and think “How did I let myself do this?” But it’s a part of my journey that I cannot change and I have to constantly remind myself that I can’t blame myself for this. It’s a part of my past that I have been able to reflect on and learn from, but still remind myself I have no reason to feel guilt or shame. Re-reading some of these things, I honestly want to laugh. But I also want to cry and give my younger self a hug.
Stripping me of my confidence was his weapon against me to keep me as his prisoner in this fucked up relationship. Continuously making me feel like I was wrong in times when I was right, led me to stop trusting my intuition. He dimmed my light to the point where I could barely see myself.
After writing this, I’ve come to realize that this is a story I believe is important to share because it is not a unique story. It is the story of many. The story of all the people who have found themselves under the spell of a manipulative partner. And a story to shed light on the commonality of the trauma many of us have had to spend years overcoming. It can take years of healing to love and trust another again. Years of healing to love ourselves and trust ourselves again.
So, if you are reading this, and have found yourself in similar situations, know this: It’s not your fault. You’re not to blame. Mental abuse and emotional abuse are real. You’re not crazy. You’re not weak. In fact, you are stronger than you know.