A Christmas Letter to You, Mom

It’s my first Christmas without you, Mom.

They say the first holiday after losing a loved one is the hardest. They say that only time can heal. My therapist, whom I think you would like, says that it doesn’t necessarily get easier, but that we simply adjust to this new life. For me, that’s a life without you.

I’ve missed you so much these past couple of weeks. Christmas just isn’t the same without you. For some reason, every time I hear this song (That’s Christmas to Me by Pentatonix) I think of you and it brings me to tears. Even though it holds no direct connection to the memories of you, I think it’s because you are Christmas to me. And now you’re gone.

You are at the center of most of my Christmas memories. You loved this holiday and because of the joy you brought into our lives, we loved it too. The house was always filled with decorations and Christmas music. Even in the years I didn’t get to spend Christmas with you, you made sure to make it feel special for me.

You were always such a thoughtful gift giver, even when times were hard, and I’m going to miss that thoughtfulness. Things weren’t always easy for us growing up, but I know you did your best and I’m forever grateful to the love and care you provided through it all.

I’ll never forget the Christmas we lived in that apartment on Rte. 22. You and dad were split up and that year was particularly difficult. You were working as much as you could to provide for 4 kids, and even though I never knew it at the time, looking back I know you were struggling. Then, one afternoon, a group of people from a friend’s church showed up with bags full of food and Christmas gifts for us all. I’ll never forget that day. You were so overwhelmed by all the love we received from the community, you cried. It’s one of my best memories and a defining moment of my life. And I don’t think I ever told you that. I wish I had.

Your humility, joy, love, and dedication to family taught me so much. You made sure to tell me every chance you got how inspired you were by me and my life path, that I was such a bright light. But it’s all because of you, Mom. You helped me become the woman I am and while I am so grateful to have spent 32 years with you on this Earth, I am devastated that you’re gone. Your legacy and love for Christmas will live on in spirit, but I know this holiday will never be quite the same without you.

I love you. Thank you for saying yes to being my Mom. Merry Christmas.